Understanding the Roles of Fathers in Blended Families
As a church, it is not unusual for our members to serve in roles that typically fall within what might be viewed as familial roles – from that of step-parents due to remarriage of parents, to an actual stepparent role. Even in step-parent situations, the role can be that of a “main parent” as is the case of two or more households sharing primary residence and time with the child or children involved.
Some of these relationships are biological, some legal and those which might be categorized as both, there are unique child factors that create the distinctions. Nonetheless, the concept of biological fathers versus legal fathers applies in multiple contexts. Here is a link to some of the discussion on the topic about biological fathers, child custody and the law.
In society today, there is a common notion that biological fathers are the “better” parent or the ideal version of a parent. This view, however, is often based upon cultural dogma, which sees the concept of a family unit in which a mother, a father, and children all live together and have the same genetic ties. This ideal version of a family is only fulfilled about 10% of the time, according to a recent report. Most children in the U.S. live with unmarried mothers and, in fact, 50% of children born to mothers under age 30 are born out of wedlock.
When this concept of single parenthood is married with traditional ideas about fatherhood, it can be difficult to know how to navigate the intricacies of a blended stepfamily. How do you know who is responsible for what role? When finances are tight, where do you get the money? What is each person’s role and common responsibilities?
This is not for lack of desire or willingness to be a part of a family, but often the structure of a blended family is difficult to navigate. Children have the responsibility and expectations of two households. Families, whether blended, single or whole, have the reality of a single household with rolls and responsibilities being divided amongst all members.
That is why, in a blended family setting, as in any family unit, leadership is essential. In stepfamilies, where one parent’s rights and responsibilities are legally defined by the court, the “step” parent must lead. That leadership is often shared with legal father figures, like a father or stepfather, but in order to maintain a successful, blended family, leadership must be carried out on a consistent basis.
The head of the household should be the one to make decisions, settle disputes and enforce rules. The other parents, step or biological, should support the head of household and support their decisions. If there is agreement, that is great – the family unit is serving as a cohesive structure. When there are points of disagreement, it is important that the head of household is still the one to make the decision. A united parental front, especially with young children, is essential.
As with any family, if the head of household fails to communicate and make decisions, the rest of the family is left in a quagmire of indecision and uncertainty. In our family, we have learned that “no decision is a decision.” There comes a point where decisions must be made – even just for the sake of moving forward.
A potential solution? Discuss and decide among yourselves where certain lines will be drawn and who will make what decisions. For example: if there is a financial issue, such as a sudden need for tires or a new battery, who will make that decision? Where there might be disagreement, what is the process for resolving that disagreement? These are relatively small issues, but when they arise frequently, they create bigger problems.
Alternatively, and sometimes the approach my family takes, is to always “ask the head of household.” This might seem backward because I am a married woman with our clergy involved in ministry. However, the lines between husband and wife are not so easily drawn in today’s relationships, so we have determined that I will relinquish my official title of “head of household” to my husband, no matter who is around or who we might meet in the community. This is not an easy decision, especially in my current role as an author, writer and attorney – one who stops to help law enforcement officers when they have questions on the law or legal definitions.
Being a father is not limited to being biological or legal – or even being the head of the household. In the community, fathers play various roles and molds – some are role models at schools, others in civic organizations, such as the one my husband leads, the Rotary club (which continues to be his “other woman,” as our daughter jokingly refers to it.). Some are mentors in Boys and Girls clubs or youth organizations, while others volunteer in homeless shelters, food banks and civic organizations.
Being a father means being willing to take steps to make a difference. Whether that means spearheading a community event, coaching a sport team or leading a prayer group, it means finding ways to make a positive difference and seek to fulfill the mission of serving others. At Prattville Community Church, we value these service opportunities and want to embrace them as part of our mission.
In Christianity, fatherhood can take on additional connotations. Apart from serving the role of the head of household, a father can be a spiritual mentor, coach and guide. In fact, the Bible promotes God as the ultimate father figure.
According to the Bible, a father is one who values and cares for his children, creating a solid legacy for future generations. He raises his children to be men of renown and encourages them in the ways of God. a father’s life and teaching are ones of counsel, wisdom and vision which are passed down to future generations and, in turn, their children. It is an honor to be a father, whether uniquely defined by biology or defined by roles and relationships within a blended family.
Given the biblical implications and connotations of fatherhood, it comes as no surprise that there are many father-figures at Prattville Community Church, many of whom are serving in leadership roles, whether adult or youth and children. In fact, as you travel throughout our facility, you will find the presence of fathers playing games, mentoring in classrooms and helping to enforce positive behavior in the Wild World (our preschool for infants and toddlers).
Fatherhood is a valued trait among the church family and is celebrated at every opportunity.
